Emily B. Thinks

Now that I am officially done with college (at least until graduate school) and am in that limbo stage between being a college student and being a full-fledged adult, I’ve had a lot of time to think, or to ponder, on my life and all that amazingly deep stuff everyone thinks about but very few actually write about.  And I’ve come to a few realizations about myself.  I enjoy thinking about my life.  I like reflecting on the past, thinking about where I’m at in the present, and dreaming about the future.  You can realize so much about yourself if you just take a few moments out of the day to pause and really reflect on all that’s happened and all that is happening.  And I’ve realized a lot.

First off, I’ve realized I’m about 1/2 extremely excited about my future and 1/2 utterly terrified about my future.  On one hand I am so excited to close one chapter in my life and to be opening another.  I’m learning to accept that I’m not a college student anymore.  I’m not 18…19…20 years old anymore.  And that’s okay with me.  When I first realized I wasn’t a “student” anymore, I freaked.  I kept thinking back wondering if I left anything out.  If there was anything I wish I had done that I didn’t have the guts to do.  Was I adventurous enough?  Did I meet enough people, make enough friends?  Did I go out as much as I wanted to?  Spend enough time on school?  Too much time on school?  But the more I think about it, the more I think…shut up, Em.  You had an amazing college experience.  You did everything you set out to do from the beginning, plus more.  You lived, and that’s more than a lot of people can say.  I didn’t waste my time, I did learn a lot, experience enough, and I grew.  And I’m still growing.

That’s the half of me that is excited.  I can see myself growing up, becoming the woman I was made to be.  I can see my future, and it is scary, but it’s exciting.  When I was little I couldn’t wait to be a “grown-up,” and now I’m here.  I’m at the pivotal moment in my life when I’m transitioning from a…kid…to an adult.  And I love it.  It’s not an entirely smooth transition (nothing in life is), but it’s perfect for me.  I’m doing fine.  I’m not a screw-up.  My life is in order.  Well, as much as life can be in order for a 22-year-old.  And I can’t wait for this next chapter in my life to really take off.  I feel like I’m just getting started, I’ve just stepped up to bat, and here’s my shot.  I have a good feeling it’s going to be a home run.

I think I’m ready.  I’m ready to let go of the past and focus on what’s ahead of me.  It’s scary.  I don’t want to leave people behind.  I don’t want anything to change in terms of my relationships.  But it’s time.  It’s time to see where life is taking me.  And if that means leaving some things in the past, then that’s what I need to do.  And I know it’ll be okay.  Scary, but okay.  That’s the thrill of life, yes?  Not ever really being 100% sure on anything, but trusting that if you can just give up enough control, everything will be okay.  I guess that’s faith, isn’t it?  So here I go, I’m taking that leap of faith…

Deep breath.  Sigh.  Relax.

Ready.  Set.  Go.